This morning we said goodbye to Tilly. So before I head to work, this is the beginning of my tribute to the sassy queen of felines.

I’ve lived my life inside daydream lies
Imaginary friends that always knew one day I’d leave for good
I’ll give away this girl who tried to make you fall i love
I’ll give her to you so keep her close to you
So you won’t forget about oh how she loved you…

Rest now, dear Tilly.

Dear LJ,

There is no denying it... I have been seeing someone else. It is clear that we no longer have the close relationship that we used to have. I still want to be friends, and there are times when it's only you want to turn to, and I hope that will continue. I have an active relationship with tumblr now. Tell all of my LJ friends that I will be back to visit them nearly every day should they decide to show signs of life (WAKE UP, PEOPLE!). I still visit my xanga friends friend. If anyone finds themselves on tumblr, follow me and I will follow you! No hard feelings?

Love,

Me

I just started a project for this customer!

It would actually be cool to be a part of this! Though they probably would not use castration as punishment, but incarceration is a step.

www.glassdoor.com

What is it like to work at [company name]? How much do they pay? What questions do they ask at the interview?

I've been using glassdoor for the past two weeks while looking for jobs. It helps you get an idea about the company (if they have data). You can see all of the salary info for a full year if you just submit your own salary (anonymously of course). You can also review your company and enter information about recent interviews you have been on, and of course view this info submitted by other people.

I wish you well on your search!

When things aren't working out, do you ever convince yourself that you didn't really want them anyways? I did it. I didn't just wake up one morning and suddly change my mind. It was like I was slowly pushed into the idea of letting go of my dream. Then I tried to figure out an alternative future. Why didn't everything go according to plan? Why am I not approaching my third year of vet school? People wait for their dream all the time. Work more towards it. I'm not afraid of working towards it. But is it too late now? Because now I can't sacrifice how I could have before? Because now it's not just me who would have to sacrifice? What stands in my way? A second Physics course with a lab, a Biostat class, and taking the GRE's? I KNOW I could handle that. So what is it? A financial wall that is not only trapping me, but slowly crushing the life out of me.

Ok I think I'm done for now. I just have to cool off in the bathroom again.

edit:

I realized the desire to go to vet school is still really strong while doing my job searching, especially today. I tried considering various management positions. When I might have a shot I would actually cringe because I really didn't want it. Then I fell back into taking a glance at vet tech jobs. I (?) had deemed vet tech a dead end. Salary cap, no room for advancement. Not entirely true, but a good point. But my point is that I really wanted those jobs. When I had to turn down the job I was offered at Cats Only Vet Hospital in April 2008 (4 months into working a my current company), I felt terrible. I wanted it. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that it was less than I was making and I felt guilty for it. It's also been hard to really go for a vet tech job without knowing if I could ever make it to vet school. $32,000 a year is scary, especially when there already is a mortgage, and other bills. So I can see why someone would say, oh just do something else. It's just been killing me... the idea of never being able to go for anything... for the rest of my life. because of the money. i never never never never never thought that I would let money stop me. never.

I guess I wasn't done. And I'm still not. It just keeps pouring out of me. I can only hide in the bathroom for so long. I'm so tired of being a wreck, being a drag, being a pain. i just don't know what to do.

The more I search, the more I consider... the more I realize the truth. These thoughts in my head... they were not mine. I don't know exactly how they got so ingrained. Maybe I do...

Everyone (I believe) wants to be their best. "Best" has different meanings. I'm not lost, I know what I want to do. Somehow my best has been infiltrated with expectations of power and money. I don't really have strong feelings for either of those. There is a certain need for one. The other is a challenge that I am willing to accept, but do not hunger for. So tell me why has the basis of my search been money and power? Somehow my dream was stolen from me years ago. I can't deny that I want it back. I want it back and I want to make it real. But I can't?

It's easy to see why I hate the search so much. I'm not searching based on my own standards. I have been working hard for the past 2 months on the search, harder than before. There is something I seek, but I am not truly able to search for it. A few times I have attempted this search. Only to be beat down. I looked for a middle ground because I am a painful combination of realist and an idealist. The middle ground was not good enough for the power-money struggle, mainly money.

I try to blame all of the obstacles. Really I am the one to blame. 17 months ago I doomed myself. I am the only one to blame. You might say I'm not doomed. Well, then, tell me how to un-doom. I want to un-doom.

Alright, now I've really had it with my new lab tech. He threw out all of the scrap paper. How can you say that you are into conservation and throw out all of the scrap paper? Just another meathead. And it's week 5 and I am tired of babysitting! End rant.

You wanted to be kept up to date with the job thing... I know, I owe you that. Well I had an interview on Thursday that went well, so to speak. They liked me, I liked them. It was money. Stupid, stupid, stupid money. There is no interview at the second place. I was massively confused, and there is only 1 position open there anyway. I did some research and money would also be the problem. I have this terrible fear that "money" will be the cause of my demise. [content deleted on second thought]

So I really really want that short walkable commute now. I got my car back AGAIN and the check engine light came back on AGAIN. I don't know what to do. This past time (the 3rd visit) I actually had to pay since the problem was not under warranty. I don't know if I should keep trying with this car... I don't know where to take it. I'm not taking it back to that damn dealership. I think they are full of crap. I guess I should wait to see what we find the error code is now. I have now been driving my car illegally for 2 months (has not passed inspection).

Wouldn’t it be nice…

"Total distance: 1.43 miles Estimated driving time: 3 minutes"

Estimated walking time: 15 minutes?

Trying not to get too excited. Last time it was so disappointing. Although that was one that I wanted more. I don’t even have an actual interview scheduled, but I have a day that I will be called to schedule an interview and a time frame for said interview. breathe!

This is Daddy (aka Jenkins, Daddy Jenkins, Papa Bear)! Daddy was one of our fosters, father of The Bear Family. He now lives with my friend Gio in NYC. My brother was visiting him and took this video of Daddy going after a cat toy tied to a ceiling fan. The last time I saw him was on his adoption day 1/31/09!

If you type an email to Nicholas Chinchilli, spell check insists that you are writing to a chinchilla. And you thought YOU had a cool last name.

I sent Liz an email last week to see how she is doing and how the move was. I have not gotten a response. It makes me think she is happy to be free of me. It's understandable, I relied on her to keep me sane too much. So now it's either insanity or try to find more time to talk to Megan at work. This is difficult and I don't want her to get tired of me either. Maybe I should just shut it and bottle everything up again. Perhaps then I will explode and fly to the moon or something. That would be neat.

My car is not fixed. The check engine light came back on yesterday on my way home from work. Now there are THREE error codes instead of one. UGH.

No, Boots! That's not for you! That's for Locks of Love!

MY CAR!

The Orange was to be inspected in April. In the past, a simple disconnecting of the battery made the check engine light turn off (it was always on) long enough to pass inspection. This year was the first time I was told my system had "reset" and I had to come back for the emissions test 100 miles later. So I did, and this time only disconnected the battery briefly (the first time I left it overnight). No dice. While this has been an on going problem, I was told there was nothing to be done about by my parents/mechanic (this used to be their car).

Luckily enough for me, Josh was able to discover that Toyota had a recall a while back and had issued a warranty for either 14 years or 150,000 miles for problems related to the recall. My car is 11 years and about 149,000 miles.

We dropped my car off last night and today I have the good news that the car is covered, they had the part and I will be getting my car soon! I just have to waste 9 more minutes since my ride to the dealership works till at least 5 every day. Not a bad day though, so I don't mind. Hopefully the rest of the week (only 3 days!!!) is as easy going. I'm going to drag out training Justin (my new lab tech) because it makes the day go quicker.

I got an email about a job. Selling life insurance. Always selling insurance. Ughhhh. Maybe it's not so bad? I almost went on an interview last year. hmmm.

i will make something of myself one day. this i know.

casey is the shirt opener! thanks! ryan gave the drinking hat to Liz! pop her top and she'es gotta jug thqat shit -you cabn't make me do anything, you don't own me - liz and ryan!!~!!

I should have a job search journal. Well, this would be today's update:

I have now posted my resume to at least 7 websites, 6 companies, and 2 recruiters. I have only received 1 phone call, and a few emails (1 for the same position as the phone call, most for selling insurance).

Today we had a goodbye lunch for Liz and Bre (yeah I forgot to mention that another co-worker is leaving at the end of this week. She's going for a PhD in Virginia. I am dying dying dying to get out of here. HELP! Anyone have any advice or recommendations?

I knew that there was poison ivy growing behind our fence. I got it on my hand before the wedding. I killed it with tea tree oil in 3-4 days. On Sunday I was weeding and cleaning up the overgrowth coming through the fence. I was wearing gardening gloves. I wasn't too surprised when today I discovered that I had poison ivy on my arm, halfway between my right elbow and my wrist. I was however suprised when Liz asked me if eyes itched me and I ran to the bathroom to discover that I have poison ivy VERY close to my eye(s). I can't get tea tree oil in my eyes... ahhhh!

On a more positive note, I am starting to see a response to spreading my resume around! Have any of you every worked a contract position? I'm having trouble stomaching "no benefits," though.